Magic happened. I did not react in time. Many events in life added to the delay. I reacted off late hoping the cause for the magic to be still around. I learnt from a distance that it is not. I lost something big. I wanted to see if there is any last minute onsite (Trivandrum) rescue operation that can be done.
Well, as everyone predicted, I could not do anything. Some were happy. Some showered empathy. Some revealed the so called ‘optimistic’ view points.
I loved. I dreamt. I planned. I prayed. I wanted to gift myself. I visited and spoke to see if anything still exists. I hoped to open up a beautiful life ahead.
I got hurt. I cried in vain. I ran into low blood pressure. I sung in the waters of kovalam beach. I got drunk. I tried to forget and move on. I tried searching alternatives.
But… I also learnt the truth in me. I am real and sensitive. I cannot let go my feelings easily and just be a ‘practical’ citizen of this world.
Money/mathematics/politics/religion/family/society/friends/god/music/testing – what good are they for when I can’t live my dream?
People asked me why am I describing her denial as ‘loss’. What do they know? Or what does the denied one know?
I feel ashamed in dragging this zombie thread but the amount of pain overrides my shame and self-respect. After all, heart is involved so nothing else can influence.
I wanted to make every minute a wonder, together. I knew I can do it.
Human entropy has hit me big time. I lost many things in life, and at last even the woman who showed me ‘music and lyrics’ - the movie and the purpose of life.
Priorities change, feelings get lost, world/climate changes, new viewpoints manifest, and what not? Why don’t I change?
Yes, relationships existed in the past. But love happened only once in the last 10 years. And it is going to be alive for years to come (or may be lifetime). I am proud of myself to have discovered the real me.
Oh, I forgot to say - thankfully the mirror in front of me reminded. I looked at the tiny tides of the sea at kovalam beach coming towards me, in fact I even felt of some tides in me going towards them but I never knew if they were going to meet. They did not. They came and went back without overlapping each other. The tides just aroused the musician in me to externalize what the below malayalam words transcribe...
yennikiddire oru thira
yenekkullie oru thira
kaanaam yennikkaethira
paksha kaanaamo yenne aa thira
